The True War Within

"To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint." - Carl Spackler

• Poison… check
• Explosives… check
• Traps… check
• Stabbing instruments… check

This list may sound like the mental pre-op checklist that Jack Bauer goes through before single-handedly saving the world (remember, if everybody did what Jack said, the show would be called "12")*, but it is actually a checklist run through by weekend warriors all across this planet.  It is a checklist of equipment needed to engage in a desperate struggle that pits man against a diabolical enemy.  I speak, of course, about the battle to save precious lawns from the devilish mole. 

Author’s Note:  I actually find moles to be kinda cute, and if one is to believe the "Wind in the Willows" line and verse (which I do) they are solid friends, brave, and incredibly adept at stopping the insidious plots of alcoholic toads.  However, as a one-time lawn mower, one-time lawn owner, and son of a lawn owner, I understand the need to put down this menace at whatever cost.  As such I have posted this public service announcement for all of you homeowners out there losing the war against 4-inch long, blind shrews.  You DO NOT want your yard to end up like this (photo, below).

"I have to laugh, because I’ve outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal." - Carl Spackler

There are many methods to taking care of your mole problem, which I will break down into the following three categories:

1. Humane - AKA, "The Mole Will Laugh at You With His Friends Over a Pint"
2. Traps and Poisons
3. Blunt Force Trauma

Starting with Humane, there are many methods out there, most of which are found within the pages of the SkyMall magazine.  From personal experience I can say that none of these work.  This ties directly into my #2 rule in life:  Never trust anything from SkyMall  (the nose trimmer incident is for another post.)  Back to the point at hand, the humane manners in which to get moles out of your yard seem to focus on sonic wave or noise emitters.  These simply cause the mole to either go into your neighbor’s yard (funny), or simply hide in a different corner of the yard and smoke a red and drink an earthworm martini while waiting for the batteries to run out.  Personally, if I took the time to build something as impressive as the tunnels the moles have dug in our yard (photo, right), I would sure as heck come back.

On a related note, I once captured a mole that was above-ground and released it in the woods behind my house for a humane catch and release.  The next day the new molehills in the yard were in the shape of the middle finger.  This is not an enemy that can be reasoned with!!!

Before moving on to the next two methods of eradicating moles, I first feel the need to address the potential concerns of animal lovers who do not have lawns.  I am an animal lover myself, because without them how would we test cosmetics?  Oh, c’mon, you know I am kidding.  The point is that the most effective ways of dealing with moles is to eliminate them.  Plain and simple.  If you do not like this, I suggest you link here and skip the rest of the post.

As far as the second sub-category of mole eradication methods, we have found that traps are fairly effective.  Poison was never used as we had no clue if they actually killed the mole, and if it did was it instantaneous?  Also, we have always had dogs and all of them had the decency to defecate in other yards so we found no reason to accidentally rub them out.  The gas bombs only served to create a breed of super moles who are still regulars at the Bellevue Mustard Seed Tavern (and pull-tab addicts at that).  The traps, like giant mouse traps, require the placement of said device in areas where you think a mole will pass.  When a mole passes underneath the trigger, WHAM!  Mole removed and it never knew what hit ‘em.  See picture below for a visual of a trap.  Again, these have proven effective, but ultimately did not get the results necessary (no shock and awe).

So, this leaves us with blunt force trauma and/or stabbing.  The method is simple:

1. Grab pitchfork
2. Stand over molehill, and be vewy vewy quiet
3. Plunge pitchfork into hill if it moves

Unbelievably, this often worked for my Dad and I.  A classic image burned into my retina is my old man, pitchfork poised and ready, standing over a molehill at 6 o’clock in the morning wearing a suit.  (Quick aside, does anybody remember how to tie a tie!?!).  While this may seem gruesome, the passing of the mole was instantaneous and it actually served to catch a lot of prey.  The mole was then given the appropriate burial as it was an honored adversary. 

"So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice." - Carl Spackler

I assume many of our Zillow readers have lawns, and I am sure that many of you have been at your wits end trying to keep moles from destroying your lawn.  We all know that an unkempt lawn instantly takes the perceived value of your house down.  As such, moles must be stopped.  I hope that the above tips help you in your personal quest to have a lawn without unsightly mounds and a moonscape-like surface.  On a final note, in order to quell the voices of the angry animal lovers, I do not see anybody sticking up for the earthworm genocide enacted by moles.  Thank you.

As there is little or no information of consequence in this posting, I suggest going to the following website to address your mole issues.  Protect your largest investment however you can!

* I must admit I pulled this Jack Bauer line from a "Jack Bauer Facts" website.  All 24 lovers should read this.  Funny stuff.